About 10% of Americans estranged from a parent or child at any given time

TikTok videos on family estrangement up more than tenfold in five years

[Generated by ChatGPT]
[Generated by ChatGPT]

A growing number of American adults are cutting off contact with their parents — a phenomenon experts say reflects the combined influence of social media algorithms, shifting approaches to therapy, and an expanding definition of trauma.

A conference for estranged parents held in Chicago this summer drew more than 200 attendees, including some who traveled from as far as Australia. Another 250 people watched via live stream. Among them was Robin Brill, 60, who has not heard from her 28-year-old son in three years.

Brill, a retired event planner from Atlanta, said the stories vary but the language her son and others use is strikingly uniform. "It's always: 'My mom is a narcissist,' 'My dad is self-centered,' 'My parents are the source of all my problems,'" she said.

The Wall Street Journal reported Monday, citing research by Cornell University sociologist Karl Pillemer, that about 10 percent of Americans are estranged from a parent or child at any given point in their lives. When extended family members are included, that figure rises to 25 percent.

Some experts compare the trend to the surge in divorce rates in the 1970s, describing it as something close to a social fashion. William Doherty, an emeritus professor of family social science at the University of Minnesota, said a once-taboo choice has become not only accepted but actively celebrated. "It's spreading like a social contagion," he said. "We are at a cultural tipping point."

Others push back. They argue that estrangement itself has not necessarily increased so much as the stigma around it has faded — and that cutting ties with a harmful parent can be a necessary part of healing for adult children.

Critics, however, warn that the trend risks encouraging self-centeredness and eroding family bonds.

Many experts point to social media — TikTok in particular — as a key driver of the estrangement discourse. TikTok expanded rapidly in the United States in 2020, when pandemic restrictions kept people indoors, and its algorithm feeds users a steady stream of content similar to what they have already watched and liked. Watching one video about cutting off a parent can quickly lead to an unbroken chain of similar content.

According to market research firm Infegy, more than 138,000 new TikTok videos mentioning parental estrangement or "low contact" were posted last month — more than 10 times the number from August 2020.

So-called estrangement influencers, who promote "no contact" as a solution, have also multiplied. Some present their own experience of cutting off a parent as a form of professional expertise.

Matthias Barker, a psychotherapist who runs an estrangement support community, said his combined Instagram and TikTok following has reached about 4.2 million — all built since 2020. "A TikToker has never heard your story, doesn't know it, and can't assess it," he said. "They just throw out whatever is most likely to resonate."

The counseling and coaching market has grown alongside the trend. A wave of paid services — books, podcasts, support groups and video consultations — has emerged targeting both parents and adult children.

A shift in therapeutic practice is also cited as a contributing factor. For decades, therapists encouraged families to improve communication and work through conflict, but the approach has changed of late.

Doherty said that as the idea of pervasive trauma took hold, therapists adapted accordingly. "There's also a culture of tracing every problem back to the parents," he said. Rather than helping clients examine their own thinking or hear other family members' perspectives, more therapists are recommending estrangement outright — effectively lending professional validation to the decision to cut ties.

Analysts also note that the definition of a "harmful parent" has itself broadened. Family therapist Peter Anderson surveyed about 1,000 parents who had experienced estrangement earlier this month and found that 82 percent of respondents cited the growing use of words like "toxic," "abusive" and "unsafe" as a factor in the estrangement.

Researchers call this "concept creep." There is broad consensus that estrangement can be justified when physical or emotional abuse is involved, and many acknowledge that previous generations sometimes minimized or tolerated genuine abuse. But younger people, critics note, tend to categorize painful relational conflicts — repeated criticism or heated disagreements — as abuse. Anderson said younger adults "tend to think they are more enlightened than their parents' generation, so they feel entitled to cut off relationships for more reasons."

Generational differences in how people understand family also play a role. Lynn Reczek, a sociologist at Ohio State University, explains that older generations were raised in a culture of "obligatory kinship" — the belief that family is permanent regardless of problems, and that adult children should remain close to their relatives.

A newer concept of "democratized kinship" has since emerged, Reczek argues. Under this view, whether a relationship continues depends on its quality — accountability, growth, mutual respect and emotional safety become the conditions for staying connected. "Just as people's thinking about marriage shifted in the mid-20th century, that change is now spreading to other family relationships," she said.

A culture that prizes individual identity is also a factor. Joshua Coleman, the psychologist who led the Chicago conference, said younger generations are more likely to define themselves through gender, race, sexual orientation, political views and mental health.

When parents question or refuse to affirm those identities, they risk being seen not as family members with different views but as adversaries from the opposing camp. "In a world where anyone who doesn't support your identity is not an ally, cutting off a parent can feel like a legitimate act of self-care or mental health protection," Coleman said.


mokiya@heraldcorp.com